I’ve always been a very private and guarded person, so talking about myself and sharing my thoughts is a scary, unsafe and uncomfortable place for me. But I believe this is an important part of my journey, getting out of my comfort zone and facing my fears.
I want to walk the walk, live my life in the most authentic way I know how and hopefully inspire others to do the same. I don’t want to hide behind the scenes or miss out on opportunities, so here I am. No turning back!
I’m also doing this for me. I believe that speaking my truth is part of my healing process and it will allow me to connect with those who have been through the same or similar experiences. I want to inspire others to have the courage to speak their truth and not care or worry about what anybody thinks.
My fraternal twin sister and I were born the day after Christmas. My mom was 16 yrs old and my dad was 29 yrs old. I came into this word as baby A, I was born 14 minutes before my sister, and she was baby B. My parents eloped 3 weeks after giving birth to us.
I remember very little of my childhood and most of the memories I have are outside of the homes I grew up in. I don’t even remember what my childhood rooms looked like. I shared a room with my twin until High School and we barely remember talking or playing with each other in our room. It scares me to think of what may have happened to me, why did I block out so much?
As a child my life was never consistent. There was always some kind of drama going on in the family and there were lots of ups and downs. Growing up I felt invisible and like an outsider. I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I didn’t even know where I wanted to fit in. More than anything I just wanted to be seen and heard. To this day a lot of my family members, including my dad can’t even tell me and my sister apart.
I have always been very good at putting on a facade and adapting to whatever situation I was in. I did and said what I thought people wanted me to. I put on whatever face I needed to and was there for everyone else. But it was superficial, I had everyone fooled, including myself.
From the outside looking in it has always seemed like I have everything together. In school I was a good athlete and got good grades. I didn’t get picked on or teased too much that I can remember, (other than the girl who bullied me and jumped on my feet during recess in elementary school). After high school I joined the Army, graduated college, got married, traveled quite a bit. My external life seemed to be very good. But what people couldn’t see was the internal life. The constant battle inside myself, I held all of my emotions and opinions in, over analyzed everything, criticized myself very harshly and never relaxed, I was in constant overdrive. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I never felt good enough and I lived in constant fear of everything. My biggest fear was sharing this side of me, I was so afraid that people would not accept or love the real me. What I didn’t realize or understand at the time was I needed to love and accept myself first.
“Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive – the risk to be alive and express what we really are.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz